DTV Hell: The 41 Year Old Virgin Who… ugh, long title is long. (text review)

The stars are nearly right. I may well begin doing video reviews shortly, as well as a couple Let’s Plays I’ve been wanting to do for a while now, but haven’t had the opportunity. But, for now, business before pleasure. And when it comes to this film, pleasure is the furthest thing from my vocabulary.

So, I assume you have heard of the Spoof Movie genre, correct? Movies like Scary Movie, Date Movie, Not Another Teen Movie, and the upcoming Vampires Suck (which looks potentially good, by the way). There have been tons of these things ever since Scream, which in itself was a self-aware horror movie, pointing out the numerous tropes of the genre, and being an all around interesting movie. Little surprise, since Wes Craven, creator of Nightmare on Elm Street (a genre defining work), was responsible. Scary Movie was also a solid work, helmed by the Wayans Brothers. However, two of the writers went on to make several other movies, and a few other sets of writers have made their own spoof movies, even a strange “conservative” take on A Christmas Carol that was, sadly, released in theaters.

This movie is one of two spoof movies that has been released Direct to Video that I plan on reviewing. And this one is, by far, much worse than the other.

First off, the title. The 41 Year Old Virgin who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and felt Superbad about it is not a title, its a description. And, tellingly, a description for a completely different movie. The entire title is a lie, as the movie itself proves. But, that isn’t what makes this movie so bad. The weak, mundane, and often downright offensive nature of the “humor” in the movie is what makes it so bad.

I do have to make one good comment about the movie at this point:  It does seem as though the people making this movie have actually seen the movies they are trying to parody.  It’s still not good (at all), but at least they may have had some reasonable idea as to what they were doing.  So, yeah, choke on that, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

Let’s start this failure. Well, this is a good sign, right? Tits 45 seconds in, and, well, yeah, body hair joke with fake penis. Well, it’s a dream, as our hero wakes up with “comedic” morning wood. I, unfortunately, am not dreaming, or I’d run from this nightmare and never sleep again. Then, probably the only potentially funny thing in the movie (well, there is one joke later, but I’ll get to it), in which a random guy with a guitar sings about morning wood. Honestly, the songs in this movie are actually passable, and sometimes funny by themselves.  The morning wood song is performed by J. Chris Newberg, for those of you searching around.

Written by one white guy and one black guy? Edited by a “nappy haired crack head?” Okay, if you’re not gonna take your credits seriously, I’m not going to either. Which is good, cause I think Don Imus, Michael Richards, and Laura Schlessenger have some advice for you about not being racist a-holes. And no, you are NOT covered by having a “black guy” as one of your writers. Fun part here, they juxtapose these intentionally offensive credits with jokes involving the main character getting smacked in the face with a large, floppy dildo. Yeah, if you haven’t been turned off by this movie already, don’t worry, your time will come soon enough. Also, the fake credits at the beginning, I’d assumed, was their attempt at an Alan Smithee kinda thing, where they wouldn’t want to be associated with the film, but nope, they actually put their real names in the ending credits. Do what you will, internet.

Oh, now the fake Superbad cast shows up, talking about getting booze for some of the hottest chicks in school in exchange for sex. You know, you could just use that money to buy some dignity. Might be a better plan. Also, fake Seth Rogen is sitting on the couch talking to the walking “man becoming girly” joke for the movie, while playing Castle Crashers, which I’m sure they got permission to use. Well, at least fake Seth Rogen looks a lot like real Seth Rogen, and they’re both about as appealing to me. Take that as you will.

I’m skipping some jokes here, but, well, lets see who we’ve offended so far: white people, black people, Indian immigrants, Jewish people, acoustic guitar players, dolphins, dildo manufacturers, the creators of Castle Crashers, people who like Seth Rogen, people who hate Seth Rogen, nerds, virgins, action figure collectors, women (and how!), and rubber trees. Guess the only people we haven’t offended yet are Hispanics and the creators of this movie. Oh, and our virgin rides to work on a bicycle.  Just like in that much better movie they are failing to parody.  Anyway, a girl hits on him and he doesn’t notice, because all men are idiots. And apparently, all women are sluts in this movie, but we’ll get to that. An old black dude walks over and tells him what for, which looks like a legit potential comedic scene, until we learn that he’s actually a black version of Benjamin Button. Yeah, yet another movie that they’re trying to sodomize, it seems. Also, I think they are trying to make fun of Sarah Silverman on the stage in the back, but I can’t really tell with this movie.

The next scene is all the guys figuring out that Andy is a virgin and basically treating it like it’s a horrible disease (just like they do in real life!), and then the Indian guy tells him to basically go rape someone. Yeah, and it’s all downhill from here. As evidenced by fake Seth Rogen mentioning child porn.

Wow. Just, wow.

So, the guys decide that he needs to get laid, cause they are motivated by a biological imperative that they do not understand, and can’t seem to figure out that they should probably not be so damn obsessed with sex. Oh, and I haven’t mentioned this yet because it should be obvious, but this is a spoof movie of the modern sex comedy. Movies like Forgetting Sarah Marshal and American Pie, where all the women (except one) are evil and all the men (except maybe one) are sex-crazed lunatics. Yeah, you can probably tell what I think of that genre, and now someone made a spoof movie of what amounts to the modern non-pornographic stag film. Well, okay, the The 40 Year Old Virgin was actually a solid film, but still.

Wait, did he just say he was the Green Hornet?

So, after more offensive, not funny stuff with a now slightly younger version of Black Guy (yes, they literally named him Black Guy) and fake public sex with fake elderly people, we see a pretty girl in the street that our plucky not Steve Carrell instantly falls for. Right before she gets hit by a car. And gets back up! And gets shot by some white guy with a bandana popping out of the moving van behind her. And gets back up to get attacked by two slasher villains who hack her up. Off-screen, of course, so she’ll be back.

So, the Superbad guy with glasses tries to get beer, but ends up getting picked up by a black cop and an Asian cop, leading to the only funny thing in the movie. “Is that a life meter?” Then, we begin the process of offending Hispanic people. And boy, they run with that line of bullcrap for the rest of the film like a… actually, no, I think the movie is offensive enough to everyone that I don’t need to add to it.

Oh, and the “Can you hear me now” guy shows up for no reason. Lot of terrible 360 degree shots, too. Yeah. Anyway, the Virgin team goes speed dating. Wait, is that Joan Rivers? I don’t think it is, but, wow, kinda really does look like her. Oh, and of course the hot trap is in here too. You simply must have one of those for a cheap laugh. He does stand up comedy (ha ha), and he sees the hot girl again, now with fake leg. “I chose white. Does that make me racist?” No. Being in this movie makes you racist.

Oh, right, pointless Twilight reference after the other Superbad guys get chased by the hispanic community too, for no reason. Pointlessness all around! Though, they do get one thing right. As fake Edward gets out of the car, the film gets some digital recoloring to make it look like the actual Twilight movies. In fact, for a second, I thought they just stole a scene from the actual movie, but no, they just made everything look like the Twilight movies.

“You guys are disgusting.” Finally, someone said it. Oh, and they do a Dos Equis guy parody, with an actual bottle of Dos Equis that they obviously didn’t get the rights for. Probably because Dos Equis isn’t manufactured by blithering idiots.

Oh, hi NOT CAMERON FROM HOUSE. Yeah, um, so this is Sarah from the title. She’s a whore, and proceeds to get boned by all Andy’s roommates, but not by Andy himself. Again, as I said earlier, the title is a complete lie.

Wait, a “To Catch a Predator” joke? Why? What’s the point of that? No, actually, what’s the point of any of this crap? Oh, and an American Pie joke. Yay. Oh, and a joke that…has absolutely no place in this movie, like most of the other jokes in this movie. And way too much poop humor in too short a time span.

And back to the cops, we get some more poop humor (classy) via “bad mexican food,” outhouse included. Also, overly long gags are not usually funny. It’s about striking a balance, and this movie is trying to balance bowling balls on popsicle sticks.

So, Sarah shows up the next day, about 7 to 8 months pregnant. How, you ask? Or, more accurately, the main characters asks. “Oh, I’m half-Mexican.” And there you have it, folks. The most offensive joke these jackasses could have ever thought of. Fantastic. Why am I still watching this now?

Actually, I don’t want to keep going. This movie is easy to dismiss and dismantle, but actually making jokes about it is somewhat difficult considering how incredibly offensive it is. This is an absolute pain to sit through, full of terrible attempts at humor and somewhat enjoyable music that belongs in a GOOD spoof movie. Yeah, I know that’s considered an oxymoron these days, but seriously, how did they screw this up? You would think that making a spoof movie of sex comedy movies would be easy.  But this is vulgar, tasteless, racist, sexist, and altogether not funny. Oh, but don’t worry. This movie has been beaten into the ground mercilessly by every review I’ve seen or heard of for it. It is, easily, one of the worst films I’ve ever seen, in the top 5 without question, right up there with Apocalypse and Pink Flamingos. If you have the chance to destroy a copy of this movie, then for the love of all things holy and unholy, do it.

This film is banished to the circle of… well, actually, I wish there was a tenth circle, because that is where this really belongs, but I think I’m gonna go with the circle of Lust, for movies who attempt to use sex and sexuality as a cheap tool for getting money, and show an all-around lack of maturity.

Well, that’s two bad movies. Time for something good, I suppose. And after Christian time travel and immature spoof movie, I think I might have a good selection for next time. Something with a touch of witch, a few zombies, and some meddling kids with their dog.

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